Try Not To Remember
by shoppingal87
Summary: Another Maddison baby drama fic. Written before Six Days part 2. Addisoncentric, Maddison in flashbacks, and a hint of Addex at the end.


**_Author's Note: This was based on the previews for Six Days Part 2 so I wrote it about a month ago. I think it's horrible, which is why I never posted it, but I decided that I since I haven't really written anything else lately, I'll just post this and see what people think. So feel free to tell me your opinion, good or bad! Please read and review!_**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own _Grey's Anatomy _or any of the characters. Oh, and the title is a Sheryl Crow song so I don't own that either. _**

**_Dedication: I've never really dedicated my fics, but other people do so maybe I'll start! This one is for _****_toxiclovespell _****_because told me not to give up on my fics that I didn't think were great, and that's what made me type this up and eventually post it. So, thank you! (And even though I still think this one is kinda bad, maybe the next one will be better!). And it's also for _****_dandyda11 _****_because today's her 21st birthday and just yesterday we were talking about Maddison fics. So, Happy Birthday!_**

_-She remembers the day she found out- _

After a fairly simple day at the hospital she was sitting on the couch eating ice cream and watching _CSI _when Mark came home.

"Hi honey," she called from the living room when she heard the door to his apartment open and his keys jingling.

"Hey!" he called back as he made his way to the living room.

He leaned over to give her a quick kiss once he got there.

"Mm, ice cream. What flavor?"

"Mint chocolate chip. Want some?"

He nodded and she fed him a spoonful.

Out of the corner of his eye he noticed an open bag of pretzels on the end table.

"Addie, were you eating pretzels with the ice cream?" he asked, knitting his brows in confusion.

She looked up at him. "Yea. You've never dipped pretzels in ice cream before? It's good."

"It sounds like you've been taking snack ideas from your patients and now you're starting to eat like a pregnant woman!" he joked.

"Very funny," she replied sarcastically.

"I'm just gonna go take a shower."

"Okay."

She heard the bathroom door shut. She hurried to the bedroom, pulled out the picket-sized calendar she kept in her desk drawer, and began to count the days. 

"I'm four weeks late…that can't be right," she whispered to herself.

She went through a checklist of all the tell-tale signs in her head and realized that she could possibly be pregnant. However, she reassured herself by saying it was probably just stress. Still, she couldn't get it out of her mind and decided to pick up a pregnancy test at the drugstore down the block. She left a note for Mark, saying they were out of milk so she went to the store and would be back soon.

She came back with milk in a bag and the test hidden in her purse.

Mark was in the living room flipping between _Sports Center _and _Doctor 90210. _Of course, he thought he could do a better job than any of the plastic surgeons on that show but it was still entertaining to watch.

"Hey, Addie?"

"Yea?" She walked from the kitchen to the living room.

"Wanna watch a movie?" 

"Um…not tonight Mark. I think I'm just gonna shower and go to bed. It's been a long day."

"Okay. Call me when you're out of the shower and I'll come meet you in bed."

"Uh-huh."

She closed the door to the bathroom, turned on the shower, and took the test.

After waiting three long minutes she found herself staring at a positive result.

She leaned against the wall and sunk to the floor, resting her head in her hands."

_-She remembers the day she decided what she had to do-_

She sat in the waiting room, pretending to look through a magazine until she heard her name called.

"Addison Montgomery-Shepherd? You can follow me."

Addison stood up and followed her to the exam room.

A few minutes later the doctor entered and began explaining the procedure to her, although Addison knew exactly what was going to happen.

"I can't do this!" she exclaimed, interrupting the doctor's speech.

"That's okay. Quite a few people change their mind once they get here. Are you sure?"

"Yes."

_-She remembers the day of the accident-_

It was two days after she decided she couldn't go through with the abortion. She was disgusted with herself for getting into this mess. She was mad at Mark because it was his child. She was angry with Derek for being indifferent. She was annoyed with herself for sleeping with Mark instead of trying to force Derek to pay attention to her somehow.

She was trying to sort this all out in her head and decide who she should be mad at, so she didn't have to blame herself, as she headed back to the city after spending the day shopping on Long Island.

It was a cold day and the leftover snow had been turning to ice as the day wore on.

Addison had nearly reached the first bridge back to Manhattan when a truck in the next lane skidded on a patch of black ice and slammed into the side of her car. The car skidded a bit and the stopped when it hit the divider. Addison was jostled from side to side at first and then thrown forward into the steering wheel.

_-She remembers the moment Mark found out-_

He ran down the hall until he found her room.

"Addison! Oh God, I heard what happened, are you okay?"

She nodded, staring straight ahead.

"How are you feeling?" he asked after hugging her.

Getting no answer he opened her chart.

She wouldn't look at him. She couldn't. She knew he was going to find out and this isn't the way she wanted it to happen.

"You – you were…was it mine?" He was shocked.

"Yes," she whispered, still not looking at him.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She shrugged and looked down at her hands.

"Honey I'm so sorry. We can try again, it'll be okay." He moved back to the side of the bed and sat down, attempting to comfort her.

She didn't seem to respond and somehow it all made sense to him.

"You were never going to tell me about this baby, were you?" he asked accusingly. "You didn't want the baby. You were never going to have it." He got out of the bed.

"I – I'm sorry. I just wanted - -"

"No. I don't care what you want right now. I have to go see patients." He quickly walked out of the room.

_-She remembers how she escaped the situation-_

Coincidentally, two days after she caught Mark cheating, she got a phone call from Richard Webber explaining that he could really use her help in Seattle with a TTTS case. She hesitated, knowing Derek was there and having a fling with some intern. She decided that facing him would probably be easier than dealing with Mark right now. She packed her stuff that night when he was on-call. He'd been on call most nights since she got out of the hospital a week ago. She knew he did it on purpose so they didn't have to talk about what happened. She left early the next morning, leaving Mark a note apologizing for what happened and for leaving. She needed to go find Derek and try to save her marriage. She'd spent two nice months with Mark, but she knew he was cheating on her for almost half of that time and she missed Derek.

_-She remembers the day she delivered the Carr's stillborn baby-_

Addison had seen this several times in her careers. She hated it, but it was part of being a doctor; you couldn't save every patient. Today it was just too much for her to handle. She excused herself and hid in a bathroom stall, crying and thinking about how guilty she felt that she was relieved when she lost her baby when women like Jamie didn't have a choice as to whether their baby was taken.

When Callie found her she couldn't tell the truth because she was ashamed and decided she had been selfish for considering abortion without even telling Mark she was pregnant. So she pulled herself together and returned to work.

That night, lying alone in her hotel bed, she liked to imagine that the Carr's baby met her unborn child in Heaven and that they were friends. She wasn't even sure if she believed in all stuff, but for some reason this was a comforting thought.

_-She remembers the day she delivered Laura Grey-_

She couldn't ignore the irony that her ex-husband's girlfriend's niece was born just days before her own baby would've been due. Still, she tried to be mature and let Meredith be the intern on the case. Meredith didn't seem to want much to do with her family, but Addison caught her talking to baby Laura in the NICU a few times. The sight made her smile. If Derek was happy with Meredith then she wanted them to be together. Family had always been important to Derek, so she hoped that in time Meredith could learn to accept her father's family.

_-She tries not to remember the baby's due date-_

The reason didn't hit her until she was doing rounds, but today's date stuck in her mind. When she realized what it was, she felt guilty and decided that maybe apologizing to Mark would make her feel better.

It didn't. He asked if she was sorry for what had happened or sorry for hurting him and she couldn't form the right words to give him an answer.

So now it was lunch time and she was eating in her car to avoid Mark, the cafeteria, and the hospital rumor mill.

Someone knocked on her window and she sighed; she'd been enjoying her peace and quiet.

She looked up and then rolled down the window. "Karev, what are you doing out here?" she asked, surprised.

"Eh, I didn't want you to be the sad kid who eats lunch alone at the corner table…or alone in your car in this case…so I came to see if you wanted some company."

She laughed. "Sure."

He got in the passenger side. "So, why are you eating in your car anyway?"

"I'm avoiding Mark." She paused and then smiled. "Plus I didn't wanna be the loser eating alone in the corner. I was a band geek in high school so I've had plenty of experience with that!"

He smiled and took another bite of his sandwich.

"Who else knows I'm out here?" she asked hesitantly.

"No one. Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me."

She smiled at him. "Thanks."

"Hey, this means you're letting me scrub in on all your best surgeries, right?" He smirked.

She grinned. "Shut up Karev."


End file.
